Hamburger Street
by WindStar72
Summary: America wants a hamburger. But what happens when the Russia fairy interferes and won't let him have the burger? Russia/America/England. PURE CRACK AND YAOI. Lots of it. But yeah AmericaXRussia first then swithes to AmericaXEngland. Fun twist at the end!


**UM UM UM. MAJOR MAJOR WARNING. THIS IS VERY...WELL MATURE. YAOI. AND LOTS OF IT. SO DON'T HATE BECAUSE I DID WARN YOU.**

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America was sitting at his house bored. So what the fuck was he supposed to do? Well he decided to go into the kitchen. He needed a hamburger. But where the fuck were they? America frantically raided his kitchen in order to find at least one hamburger. But no luck. None were found.

"FUCKING HELL! I NEED A HAMBURGER!" he yelled out to no one.

"Maybe I can help you, da!" a voice chimed from nowhere.

"Who said that?"

"I did."

"Canada?"

"Cana—What? No!"

"Then who the fuck are you?"

"I am the magical Russia fairy! I'm your god-father, Amerika!" a small white light appeared in front of America.

"…"

"It's true, da."

"Fuck off, commie."

"I can give you a hamburger, Amerika!"

"…"

The Russia fairy giggled and used his magical pipe wand's magic and a hamburger formed in midair. America gasped and reached out for it, to only have it disappear before he could grasp it.

"Hey! Why the fuck did it disappear?"

"Because I made it disappear."

"Well, bring it back, commie!"

This only made the Russia fairy giggle.

"No."

"Well why the fuck not?"

"I don't like you, da!"

"…"

America clenched his fist. Oh how lovely. This fucking Russian dressed in a fucking fairy costume won't give him his hamburger just because he didn't like him. Great. How. Fucking. Lovely.

"You'd better make it appear again."

"Or what, Amerika?"

"Or else I'm going to nuke your fat ass!"

If you're smart, you know to never get between America and his hamburgers. It was an unspoken rule to every nation. Everyone knew this. And if you do break that rule...then you best be digging your own grave. The Russia fairy only giggled. Again.

"What's so funny, you commie bastard?"

"Oh nothing. Why do you keep calling me a commie, Amerika? I'm a republic now, da?"

"I'm calling you that because you remind me of that communist bastard, Russia."

"…I am Russia."

"No you're not! You're a fairy who looks like that communist bastard, Russia"

The Russia fairy sighed and tapped his magic pipe wand against his hand.

"I guess I'll just have to prove it to you, da?"

He waved his pipe wand around above his head and the tiny eight inch fairy grew bigger and bigger. America watched horrified as Russia appeared normal sized (Well…he still was fat) in the middle of America's cluttered kitchen.

"See! I told you, da?"

America wanted to fucking puke. This guy…no scratch that. This _**THING**_ was standing in the middle of his kitchen. In a fucking _**fairy**_ costume. No fucking joke. Russia's skirt man…FUCK! Why was he even looking at it? It was _.short_. It was like a car crash. It's so terrible that you should be watching it happen yet you can't help yourself so you watch anyways. This was so fucked up.

"Russia, get the fuck out of my house before I throw up democracy on your fat ass!"

"Ah. But my dear, Amerika! Don't you want your hamburger, da?"

Russia waved his water pipe wand again and the hamburger reappeared out of thin air. But this time America did not try to take it. Instead, he walked over towards his front door and stared to look through his keys hanging up on the wall. Russia peeped his head out of from the kitchen entrance and giggled his annoying giggle that made America want to punch him in the face every time he heard it. America turned around and faced him.

"The fuck are you laughing at?"

"Looking for these, da?"

Russia held up a pair of car keys and America's expression turned dark. He stomped over to Russia and held open his hand, motioning for the commie to give him back his keys.

"You'd better give those back, you mother fucking bitch!"

"And where were you going to go exactly, Amerika?"

"I was going to go to the fucking McDonalds to get a fucking hamburger. That's all I wanted! I didn't want some fucked up commie fairy come break and enter into my home and teal my shit dressed in a fairy costume that a three year old would wear! Now…unless you want fifty nuclear weapons shoved up your ass, I suggest you give me my fucking car keys."

Again, for what seemed to be the millionth time, Russia giggled. America's eye twitched and brought his tightly curled fist back and falcon pawnched Russia in his fucking communist face.

"Now bitch. _**..keys**_."

"I would like to think that you're the bitch, Amerika. You are smaller than me. In more ways than one."

America suddenly snapped. He threw himself on Russia. Punches were sent everywhere in a furious rage by the American. Each punch though was dodged by Russia even though he was pinned to the floor by America. Okay, so this wasn't America's best plan, nor did he like the fact he was sitting on top of a Russian dressed in a three year olds fairy costume. He just wanted a fucking hamburger.

As America continued to throw punches at the Russian underneath him, he failed to hear his front door open. Russia, noticing the person frozen in the door way, let out a truly wicked grin. He grabbed America's wrists and flipped him over onto the floor next to him. America yelped out in surprise as Russia crouched on top of him and pinned his arms next to his head.

"Get the fuck off me you asshole!"

Russia let out a cheery smile and leaned in close to America's face. America laid there wide-eyed. He couldn't move. The fucking communist was too heavy. He couldn't do anything. Russia moved his head over to America's ear and whispered softly into it.

"You have a visitor, Amerika."

America turned his head over towards his wide-open front door. A horrified expression covered his face as he saw England standing in the door way with his eyes wide and mouth hung open.

"England! It's not what it looks like!" America called out.

"Oh sure it isn't! Go roleplay somewhere else, git!" England yelled, obviously upset. He dropped his bags he was holding and turned to leave. England quickly ran out of the house, leaving America trying to push the Russian off him. Russia giggled and let go of America's arms. America then falcon pawnched Russia in the face again and pushed him off of him. America quickly ran out of the house and out into his front year. He looked around in different directions.

".Shit. Where the fuck did he go?"

America turned as something caught in the corner of his eye. He saw England running towards America's barn. America sprinted after him. Just as he was half way there, England opened the barn doors and ran inside. America quickened his steps, running in long strides.

'_Russia that fucking communist fairy bastard asshole! It's all his fucking fault!' _America screamed in his head. He reached the opened barn doors out of breath. He stopped and slowly walked inside. Everything was silent except for small, hidden sobs. Was England crying?

America followed the tiny sobs to the back of the barn. He stood over his former brother who was crying in the corner, all crouch in a ball. America knelt down next to England and put his hand on his shoulder.

"D-Don't t-t-touch m-me!" England stuttered as he pushed America's hand off of him.

"England. It wasn't what it looked like!"

"Well if it wasn't, then what was it then?"

America sighed and looked at the crying nation staring into his shining emerald eyes.

"Iggy…look. I was home alone craving a hamburger. Russia appeared as a fucking fairy, who was eight inches tall. He used his pipe thing to make a hamburger appear. He wouldn't let me have it so then he taunted me. So I kinda threatened to nuke his fat ass and he got all defensive because I didn't know it was him all along and so he grew to normal height. Well, he still had on his fucking fairy outfit on and I wanted to puke so bad you have no idea. So I ordered him out of my house and he didn't leave so I went to the front door to grab my car keys so I could go to McDonald's to get a hamburger like I originally wanted but it turns out he had stolen my car keys and he wouldn't give them back to me. Russia then giggled his annoying ass giggle and so I falcon pawnched him right in his fucking face. He then said something really nasty so I jumped on him and we both fell over. I was on top of him and continued to try and punch him but somehow he kept dodging them. He smiled a creepy ass smile and then grabbed my wrists and flipped me over. To my surprise he got on to p of me and pinned my arms down. I couldn't protect myself then. I tried moving my arms but he is so fucking fat that I couldn't move them. He let out another annoying giggle and whispered in my ear that I had a visitor so I turned to look and I saw you standing there. So that's what happened Iggy. You can either believe me or not."

England simply stared at the American next to him. He had stopped crying and was letting every word America had said sink in.

"Well Iggy. The choice is yours if you want to believe me. But I would never do anything to hurt you. I love you."

America leaned in and kissed England on his soft pink lips. England closed his eyes and thought about what he said.

"I believe you."

America opened his eyes, not realizing that they were even closed, and stared into England's eyes.

"R-Really?"

"I do. Although it seemed like you were describing a dream, I believe you."

America let out a small laugh and England let out a small smile and joined in with America's laughter.

"I love you too, America." England suddenly stated, wrapping his arms around the American. America stopped laughing and hugged the Briton back.

"Let's have sex."

If England was drinking tea right then and there, it would have spewed everywhere after hearing that. He drew back out of America's hug.

"W-What?"

"Yeah! If we love each other so much, we should have sex!"

England stared at the boy. He let out his famous goofy smile and England bushed many different shades of red.

"A-America…I'd…love to!"

''Then what are we waiting for?"

"Wait. I have an idea! Something that'll make it even better."

"What could be better than sex, Iggy?"

"Well, the reason why I came over to see you was to give you hamburgers."

"Of fuck yes!"

"I brought two bags full of fresh hamburgers, so now we can put them to good use and make sweet love on top of them."

"Iggy. I think I fucking jazzed in my pants! I love you so fucking much!"

"But…there's one small problem."

"I don't like the sound of that…"

"I left the bags up at your house."

"Oh fuck no!"

"Here, I'll go get them and you stay here. I'll be back before you can say that you're the hero."

England stood up and ran out of the barn. America waited impatiently for the return of his lover. He tried to imagine what it was going to be like having sex with England on top of steaming hamburgers. Yet, this only made him more impatient. And yup. He jazzed in his pants.

Twenty minutes had passed since England had left to retrieve the hamburger-filled bags.

"Where the fuck is he?"

America stood up and walked out of his barn. He proceeded up back towards his house to find his missing lover. America reached his house and walked inside the already opened door. All the lights were off for some odd reason.

"The fuck? Iggy? Iggy?" Where are you?"

America listened for a response but he didn't hear anything. He then walked into his still cluttered kitchen.

"Iggy? Where the hell are you?"

America heard a loud thud come from upstairs. Panic filled him as he ran towards the stairs.

"Iggy? Iggy? Are you alright?"

He ran up the stairs and won the hall way to where he heard the thuds. America noticed the thuds were coming from his bedroom and he tried to open the door. It was locked.

"N-No! D-don't!"

America had his ear to the door where he heard England's pleading voice. It sounded like he was in trouble and was struggling. Acting upon instinct, America kicked down his door as any hero would do when his damsel was in distress.

Except…

His damsel wasn't in distress. America gazed at the scene in front of him with his wide opened blue eyes. His lover, England, was underneath the husky Russia, (who was still wearing that gay fairy costume) and they were…they were…

Having _**sex.**_

Having sex on _**his**_ bed.

Not only were they having sex on his bed, but they were having sex on hot steaming _**hamubergers.**_

_**His**_ hamubergers.

.WAY.

England moaned louder acknowledging America standing there. Russia giggled his most annoying giggle as he made his way into the Brit, knowing for a fact that it would make America flip his lid.

".WAY."

England's moans grew even louder as he was about to jizz in his pants. Not that he was wearing any…Russia just fucking giggled like a five year old school girl as he made nice use of his piroshky.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

America screamed as he jolted up from his bed. America panted as his heart raced in his chest. It was a dream…only a dream.

"What…the fuck…was that?"

America put his hand over his beating heart and placed the other one on his forehead.

"I really need to lay off the hamburgers before bed."

"So it would seem, Amerika."

"HOLY SHIT!"

America spun to his right as Russia sat up from the bed next to him.

"You blokes woke me up!"

America looked horrified as England sat up to the right side of Russia.

"THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY FUCKING BED?"

"Hm? You don't remember, Amerika?"

"THAT WAS A FUCKING DREAM!"

England turned his head away from America and slowly picked up a hamburger that was sitting next to him. Russia smiled eerily at America and let out his annoying giggle that America loathed with a deep passion. America's eyes widened and a lump appeared in his throat.

"Fuck."

THE END.

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**A/N: HOLY SHIT. What the fuck did I just write? LOL. I find it really funny that this story began because I got in a fight with my mom about what clothes I was to wear for church…wow just…wow XD The only reason I was able to finish this is because of another fight I got in with my mom. She said I was talking snotty to her when I clearly wasn't and I was only trying to explain my exam schedule to her. So yupp. Family arguments over stupid things cause me to write perverted Hetalia fanfiction. What is wrong with me? XD**

**Well thanks for reading if you do read this horribly perverted story. XD**

**P.S. Is it bad that I listened to America's 'Hamburger Street' when I wrote this and am craving a hamburger right now? :D**


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